Thoughts for today

Recently I have been learning many things. It always seems that with learning comes trials and pain. I have been through many things in my life and I have lived with many different families and been a part of many people’s lives. I have always come away from each person and family wiser and stronger because of the things that I have learned from them.

I remember a talk from many years ago; it was from a stake president who I admired. It was his first talk as a stake president, he said that he was not perfect and that if we looked for his faults we would not have to look very far and then he went on to talk about how we need to stop looking for people’s faults and start looking for the good in others. How often I fail to do that? I have become very judgmental and frustrated with people when it is me who should be looking within my own self and fixing my own imperfections. Sometimes I feel I have a right because of this or that, but in reality I have no right. Every trial, temptation and blessing that I have ever received in my life has been for my own profit and learning and I forget that often. I just feel lately (meaning the last few years) I have been short with people, very opinionated and I have not been as kind as I should be. I have not been remembering that my life is the way it is because of the help and example of other people and of course with the guidance and love of my Heavenly Father.  

Thoughts

I have a few minutes this evening so I thought I would write. I just feel really good about my life right now. I am very confident that things are going the way that they should. I have been through some rough patches the last few months, however going through them has helped me to look closely at myself and try to fix things so that I can live a better life. I have spent a lot of time on my knees in prayer on what I can do to heal and become a better person.  

This weekend I stayed home and got my house in order. I did some reading and spent some quality one-on-one time with my son.  Which was really nice :-)

I watched General Conference last week and it was really nice. I always learn so much from the talks, there always seems to be something that I need to hear. However I think I received more direction from the women’s conference, the week before, about what I needed to do to help my son and to improve life for myself. The words that were spoken really didn't have anything to do with what I learned. I guess just being there and being in the spirit I learned the things that I needed to improve in my life and I am going to do those things. I got the feeling to step away from the single scene for a while and focus on being the best parent I can. I just focus so much time on planning things and being in the middle of everything going on that I neglect the more important things. I am also going to focus on doing my calling and serving the people in my area the way only I can.  We all have a special way of doing what the Lord wants us to do that is why he chose us right?

Life is good

I haven't written in a long time. There are several reasons however the main reason is that every time I get stated writing something comes up and I never get finished with what I am writing. Life is really good, no life is fantastic. I love my classes this year my students are wonderful. We have been working so hard which has been paying off and feels good because we have been successful in learning. I have been taking a class up at U of H and that has been great. I have been learning a ton of thing about how science works which makes me a better Science teacher.

Being a single mom is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I think if I knew how hard it would be I might have thought twice before becoming a mom, especially a mom to an already grown child, however I would do it again if given the choice. I don't think my heart could allow a child to go without a home when I am well equipped to provide one. Though it is the hardest thing I have ever done, and may be the hardest thing I ever do, the blessings that come are above and beyond what I could have ever imagined. My son has been doing much better, we went to the doctor this week and are trying him on some medication that will hopefully balance him out. It was getting to the point that it was taking him and I three hours to do his homework  and I felt by the end we were both exhausted. He was getting in trouble at school for silly things. I also felt that there were times he was out of control. I have always been hesitant about putting kids on medication and I guess that is why I have waited so long to do even consider it. It has been three day and it has made a world of difference. I can hardly believe how different things are and it has only been three day. I guess with time we will see how it really works and if it will really help him. I better go make breakfast and get to school. I will write more later I have a many great things to share, I have just been busy and haven't had a change.

Living Consciously

Last time I wrote I had said that I discovered that I felt responsible/took ownership for other people’s emotions.  I have been working very hard on not taking ownership of others emotions and it has opened up a whole new world for me. It does not come natural yet, I still have to step back and think “am I feeling bad because of their feeling or is this really how I feel “and most of the time I discover that I feel bad because of how someone else is feeling. Then I tell myself that “I can’t change nor control how they are feeling I can only control how I am feeling” and then the worry that I am doing something wrong goes away. One day I hope I don’t have to think about it and it will come natural, but for now I will continue to work on it and improve. I do feel a great difference; I am happier and more peaceful.  I have felt a freedom that I have never felt before; the freedom to have fun and enjoy myself even if the other person is not. I have also discovered that I have begun to live my own life.

I am still reading the book “Boundaries.” I know it is taking me a long time to read and it is not because it is a hard read but rather I am reading two other books at the same time, so I am taking my time. I will be done soon. I was reading about how to teach our children boundaries, very interesting. I have actually been using some of the things I have learned with my son and they seem to be working. I am starting to see that my own healing is helping my son heal. It has been kind of a miracle.

So I am reading this other book, one of the other two books I am reading, it was not suggested to me. I just read a quote from the author about being true to yourself so I picked up one, actually two, of his books and the one I am reading now is called “How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.” And it is by Nathaniel Branden. Oh my goodness it is an amazing book. It really makes you think, I just got done reading a chapter on living consciously. WOW!!!!!  I will just share a little of what it says:

 “To have good self-esteem you have to live consciously… The appropriate use of our consciousness is no automatic: rather it is an act of choice…To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on your actions, purposes, values, and goals, and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know…Living consciously means taking responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engages…self-esteem, then, is a function, not of what we are born with, but how we use our consciousness-the choices we make concerning awareness, the honesty of our relationship with reality, and the level of our personal integrity…Living consciously is living responsibly towards reality.”  

It is kind of an amazing thought, that when we are living consciously and that by accepting our reality even if our reality is not the greatest we raise our self-esteem and self-worth. There is so much more that the book explains and some of those things are very deep. I thought when I bought the book it was a 1, 2, 3 self-help book on how to have higher self-esteem but rather it explains what self-esteem is. I didn't really get the book to raise my own self-esteem I just like a quote I read from the author, but I am learning some amazing things about self-worth and self-respect. 

Here we are again.

I have been doing better. I am not as sick as I have been. I am still taking a breathing treatment once a day and my cough is still quite bad, but I do not have pneumonia any longer and I don’t feel as though my head is going to explode. I have been taking it easy the last few weeks, which has been very nice.

Life has been hard! I have been learning so much about myself and trying to figure things out and hopefully all that will lead to change and healing. Sometimes I just want to cry and let it all out but crying is not easy for me though I have done much of it lately. Making the changes that I need have been much harder for me then I ever imagined. I am supposed to be starting a twelve-step program (Al Anon) and I still have not gotten around to going to any meetings. I keep thinking “how is this going to help me? I don’t deal with alcoholics.” It seems weird to me and very uncomfortable that I need to go but I need to do whatever I can to get the help I need to change. The church has a twelve-step program however the meeting is every Thursday and they meet about an hour from where I live and it really is too far for me on a week day. Maybe I can go during the summer but for now I will try Al Anon here. I am kind of scared to go because then it means that this is real and what if I can’t change it or don’t want to.

I finished reading “Codependent No More” and it was a great book. Any person would gain a lot from reading it even if they were not codependent. Now I am on to a second book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. When I first started reading I didn’t really think that it applied to me now that I am further into the book I see how it does apply to me. I have very good boundaries in my classroom however I do not in my relationships, and that means friendships as well. How can that be? How can I have great and wonderful boundaries in the classroom so much so that I am complimented on it regularly however when it comes to a relationship I have very confusing and fuzzy boundaries? It is so frustrating!!!!!! 

So the book "Boundries" it talked about two different types of people who have boundary issues compliant people and avoidant people and I seem to have a mix of both. However if I had to choose between the two I would say that I am more of an avoidant person then a compliant person. I do comply but not near as much as avoid.

Those people who are compliant (me) “melt” into the demands of other people. There spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts. (pg 52-53) I am very compliant in relationships I just say yes when I should say no and my boundaries are very fuzzy and indistinct. Those people who are avoidant are unable to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidant people withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others. For Avoidant people, opening up to people is almost impossible. (pg 54-55) Me, me and me!!!! 

One other thing that I have been thinking a lot about is emotion. My whole life I have always felt responsible for other people’s emotions and many times other people’s emotions effect my emotions. I feel or felt that because they were sad, angry, upset (notice these are all negative emotions) it was somehow because of me. People’s emotions affect me so much because I take responsibility for the emotions they are feeling. Let me tell you what I have discovered and it has been GREAT!!! Everyone is responsible for their own emotions and I don’t have to be responsible for another person’s emotions. What a thought? You mean to tell me that you are responsible for your emotions and I am responsible for my emotions? YES!!! It seems so simple and logical however I have never seen it that way before. What does this new knowledge do for me? It gives me a whole new outlook on life and now I can free myself from other people’s emotions and start feeling my own emotions. I wonder what that is going to feel like because I have spent most of my life wrapped up in, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions that I don’t know what it is like to feel my own. I think this is going to be a great experience and it is going to be kind of fun to explore and be responsible for my own emotions. I will have to report back, I have a feeling it is going to feel very freeing.. 

Change-The Beginning of Something New

Let me tell you a story about me, I was having a rough day a month or so ago, and I was having a pity party and I was telling a friend how I was feeling and I was very negative, mind you I was feeling vulnerable and had not gotten much sleep and I was feeling like a horrible mom, my son had a rough day and I was just struggling. My friend told me that I needed to research codependency. I had never heard of codependency before and if I had I never thought it had anything to do with me. When I found out what codependency was I became very angry with my friend. If my friend was there I would have probably spoke my mind and it would not have been pretty, I would have told my friend all their issues and how dare they tell me what is wrong with me when they themselves are not perfect, because who is perfect, right?

 I have always tried to take the best things out of the worst situations and after cooling down, which took a few days, I did more research and I read some great articles and just finished a great book “Codependent no more” and yes I am codependent. In fact, I don’t know anyone more codependent than myself. So many things about my life and decisions I have made make since now. I feel a freedom, now that I know I can do something about it. It is going to take some time to heal and work through this. However, I want to be healed now so that I can move on and be better than I have been. Healing and changing something you have been your whole life doesn’t change overnight. It takes time and sometimes it takes a lot of time. I have a feeling this is going to take me a LONG time and I am really scared. What if I can’t make the changes that I need to make? What if it is too hard? The thing that helps me is that being codependent is only one part of who I am; I have many other parts of my life that are healthy. This is the beginning of something different and better. Am I still mad at my friend? No, I am grateful. 

I have always taken care of people; it started when I was young in my own home. It started by taking care of my brothers and sisters then progressed to other people until it has been the only thing that I know. I sacrifice myself for others to make them happy even though it does not make me happy or it goes against all I know to be true (the martyr) and then get angry because I don’t get the same in return. It is a vicious cycle that I hope to break. Who would have known that doing something good would turn into something unhealthy and controlling for self and others?

I am going to talk about my family for just a second, some people don’t know I have brothers and sisters and if they do they think they are phantoms in my life because I don’t talk about my parents nor my brothers and sisters very often. I am not close to them and if I said I was it would be a lie. We don’t say much when I do speak with them (except one of my sisters) I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing with my life. What makes it even harder to be close to them is every place I have lived I have found other people to be my family and support. Now that I am here in Texas I have my aunt and uncle and cousins, who I have come to love as my family. They have taken me in and took care of me when I needed a place and I have become very close to them and they have filled the void in my life. The problem is I think the healing process in my life needs to begin with my family, and that is not going to be easy. I remember the exact moment when I made the decision to close my heart to my family and it hurt like hell. There is no other way to put it. I was tired of hurting and after a while the hurt went away and I filled my life with other people to take their places. I guess I am scared to open those wombs again and I am afraid of hurting like that again. When your family can’t love you it is hard to believe that others can.

Been sick

It has been about a month since I have written and a few months since I have written anything about myself. I have been REALLY sick. When I think I am better, I am back at the doctor because I am sick again. I have the greatest friends though and I work with amazing people. When I was sick the first time my co-workers stepped in and helped take care of my son and brought food and took care of my classes because I was too sick to go. Then my friends came over and made me dinner and hung out with me. Then I stayed up most of the night talking, and not getting the rest I probably should have been getting however I think I needed to talk more. Those same friends seen a need and a week ago they came by and fulfilled that need and I can’t tell them how grateful I am for them. I hope to be half the friend for them that they are for me. 

If you know me well you know I hate doctors so I wait forever before I go and if I would have taken care of things sooner I could have avoided all this, however I have been greatly humbled and I have learned some valuable lessons. First, next time my allergies are taking over and I am not feeling well I will be going to the doctor, not waiting a month and then finding out that it has gotten so bad that I have to be deathly ill for three weeks. I am so tired of being sick. I don’t know how those with chronic illnesses do it. The good thing about being so sick, if I look on the bright side, I have had a lot of time to think and sort through some things. I always seem to have something to work on, don’t we all. I hope to share with you some of the the things I have been thinking about and working through but of course the more private things I will keep for myself and close friends.

Honoring Self

I have been doing a lot of reading the last few weeks. I came across this great quote that I loved.


Of all the judgments that we pass, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgement touches the very center of our existence.

...No significant aspect of our thinking, motivation, feelings, or behavior is unaffected by our self-evaluation...
   
The first act of honoring the self is the assertion of consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware, to send the searchlight of consciousness outward toward the world and inward toward our being. To default on this effort is to default on the self at the most basic level.
   
To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgment.
    
To honor the self is to be willing to know not only what we think but also what we feel, what we want, need, desire, suffer over, are frightened or angered by--and to accept our right to experience such feelings. The opposite of this attitude is denial, disowning, repression--self-repudiation.
    
To honor the self is to preserve an attitude of self-acceptance--which means to accept what we are, without self-oppression or self-castigation, without any pretense about the truth of our own being, pretense aimed at deceiving either ourselves or anyone else.
   
To honor the self is to live authentically, to speak and act from our innermost convictions and feelings.
    
To honor the self is to refuse to accept unearned guilt, and to do our best to correct such guilt as we may have earned.
    
To honor the self is to be committed to our right to exist which proceeds from the knowledge that our life does not belong to others and that we are not here on earth to live up to someone else's expectations. To many people, this is a terrifying responsibility.
    
To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovery and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.
    
Thus we can begin to see that to honor the self is to practice selfishness in the highest, noblest, and least understood sense of that word. And this, I shall agree, requires enormous independence, courage, and integrity.

~Nathaniel Branden

Being a Mom

People can be very judgmental and hurtful at times.

 I am going to talk about being a mom and some about my son. Most parents get to raise their children from infancy and get to shape who they will become. I did not have that choice with my son. I feel many times instead of shaping I am reshaping and reteaching, which seems to be far harder. I got a young man at age eight who has been tossed from one person to another. He has been hurt by the very people who should have loved and protected him. How do you repair that? I am trying my hardest to figure it out. I have done my share of praying and fasting for direction on what I can do to help.

I can’t tell you why, when we come home at night I have to go through the house to make sure no one is in the house before mys on will step in the door. I can’t tell you why he won’t go into a bathroom if the shower curtain is closed or the light is off. I can’t tell you why he can’t go to sleep unless he knows all the doors are locked and that I am in the other room. I don’t know why at times he looks so sad. The list goes on of things I can’t tell you about my son. 

Sometimes out of the blue something will happen and my son will freak out and I have no idea why or what may have triggered it and we deal with them as they come. I try to talk him through it, working on trying to figure out what is going on and many (most if not all) times he doesn't even know why he is angry, upset, or freaking out, which makes it very hard to know what to do. It is hard to fix something if you don’t know why it is broken. 

On top of all this, my son is a typical 10 year old boy, testing the water, seeing if he can get away with something. Sometimes I have no idea what I am supposed to do and I feel lost. I do know that most parents greatest fear is that they will mess their child up, that is mine as well, however I have the fear that I am not going to be able to repair the damage done.

I can’t tell you how many times my son asks me if I would go back to the judge who adopted us and ask him to change it, or he will ask if I feel like I made a mistake by adopting him. I have never, never felt that it was a mistake by taking my son. I know I made the right choice and I knew it would not be easy. Do I ever think about how things might be if I did not say I would take him? Of course I do, and yes my life would be SO much easier, however I am a better person because of my son and my decision to become a mom. I love my son with all my heart and I wouldn't change the decision I made to become his mom. 

Please don’t judge me for being a mom, and please don’t judge my son. He has been through things that no parent would want their child to have to endure. I have only had my son for two years and we are working very hard to repair the damage done. It is going to take time and he has already come a long way. 

If you have something hurtful or judgmental to say please don’t, and instead give a hand or a kind word of love.

A Little Bit of Everything

What a great few weeks I have had? I have had a lot of my mind but when you are doing the best you can, no matter what you are worried about things seem to work out. My son has been having a really hard time, I have been trying to spend some more time with him and it seems to be helping. We have been doing Family Home Evening (FHE) for the last month; mind you we hardly had it before it became our family new year’s resolution.  The first FHE we went over to someone’s house and had FHE with the singles. The second we learned about making a menu and we talked about eating healthy and then we made a meal plan and went shopping. Hehehehe! Got my shopping in and taught my son how to go shopping. Then last week we just had a quiet evening and we learned about wisdom. Last night I asked my son what he wanted to do and he told me he wanted to go bike riding (he just got a new bike) and I thought uuuuugggg. Me and bike riding, YAY not the greatest thing!  The last time I went bike riding was over 10 years ago, it was awful, I went with my friend and she was doing wonderful and I didn’t make it more than ½ a mile before we had to turn back. I am sure you can understand my hesitation however I borrowed a bike from a friend who lives nearby and we went bike riding, and guess what I SURVIVED, who would have thought right? We rode about 2 miles, Mind you, I had already walked a mile with some friends that I am going to be running/walking in a 5K run this coming Saturday. Maybe it was the walking that gave me the endurance to do a bike ride. After we got back we talked about having a regular exercise program and how exercise can help us.

I have to say that I had a wonderful weekend. I went to UIL and my kiddos did amazing and it was great. After I drove up to Houston and met a friend and went to the zoo. It was such a beautiful day. We just enjoyed the kids. I am learning so much. I am so use to having so much to talk about but things have changed and my life is very much the same from week to week. I guess I have a boring life now. Hahahaha! It takes work to have a fun life and I don’t know if I am up to working any more then I already do. I am just being L A Z Y! However, lately I have been much better at planning some things. I think our next big adventure is a trip to New York. I have applied for summer school and that will be my vacation money. I really want to take my son to see the outer banks, Washington DC. New York City and Palmyra (to see the Palmyra Pageant). I have never been to Liberty Jail and I have always wanted to go so it is going to be a round trip if I have my way. It sounds so much fun but it will take a lot of planning. There are many things that I have to take into account as well. I may be moving to Pearland or Sugarland area, if I do that I will most likely move schools as well to Savannah Lakes, Don Jeter or Mary Merek. I am leaning more towards Pealand though so that I can stay at the school I am at. I would like to move closer to Houston. If I move and things don't settle down so seem solid before I want to go I will have to plan it for another time.

I have been working on a grant for my school. If I get the grant, there will be no question; I will not be moving schools. I have been doing a lot of research and I have two great ideas, I have to pass them by my principal. Which I meant to do today however I was so busy that I did not get around to getting into her office to speak with her; so hopefully tomorrow. Then the writing of the grant can begin. YAY! I am trying to incorporate technology so that we can get some kindle fires for the school. There are so many great math aps that could really help my students. We live in a changed world, everything and everyone is tech savvy. If you don’t use technology you are going to fall behind. 

I am headed into my 5^th year of teaching and it is time for me to apply for a science/math grant. In the State of Texas if you teach math or science you can apply for a grant that will pay $17,000 of your student loans. I need to start the process soon; I don’t think that it takes too much. One of the teachers I worked with last year did it and got accepted. Do you know how great that would? I would be almost done with my loan and could be completely out of debt by 2014. That includes my car as well. Oh how wonderful that would be. 

I guess I should get some work done. When I have a whole lot on my mind, which I have had the last few days, writing calms my mind, so does reading however when I get into a book I can’t put it down and I don’t get any sleep. Hehehehe!