Change-The Beginning of Something New

Let me tell you a story about me, I was having a rough day a month or so ago, and I was having a pity party and I was telling a friend how I was feeling and I was very negative, mind you I was feeling vulnerable and had not gotten much sleep and I was feeling like a horrible mom, my son had a rough day and I was just struggling. My friend told me that I needed to research codependency. I had never heard of codependency before and if I had I never thought it had anything to do with me. When I found out what codependency was I became very angry with my friend. If my friend was there I would have probably spoke my mind and it would not have been pretty, I would have told my friend all their issues and how dare they tell me what is wrong with me when they themselves are not perfect, because who is perfect, right?

 I have always tried to take the best things out of the worst situations and after cooling down, which took a few days, I did more research and I read some great articles and just finished a great book “Codependent no more” and yes I am codependent. In fact, I don’t know anyone more codependent than myself. So many things about my life and decisions I have made make since now. I feel a freedom, now that I know I can do something about it. It is going to take some time to heal and work through this. However, I want to be healed now so that I can move on and be better than I have been. Healing and changing something you have been your whole life doesn’t change overnight. It takes time and sometimes it takes a lot of time. I have a feeling this is going to take me a LONG time and I am really scared. What if I can’t make the changes that I need to make? What if it is too hard? The thing that helps me is that being codependent is only one part of who I am; I have many other parts of my life that are healthy. This is the beginning of something different and better. Am I still mad at my friend? No, I am grateful. 

I have always taken care of people; it started when I was young in my own home. It started by taking care of my brothers and sisters then progressed to other people until it has been the only thing that I know. I sacrifice myself for others to make them happy even though it does not make me happy or it goes against all I know to be true (the martyr) and then get angry because I don’t get the same in return. It is a vicious cycle that I hope to break. Who would have known that doing something good would turn into something unhealthy and controlling for self and others?

I am going to talk about my family for just a second, some people don’t know I have brothers and sisters and if they do they think they are phantoms in my life because I don’t talk about my parents nor my brothers and sisters very often. I am not close to them and if I said I was it would be a lie. We don’t say much when I do speak with them (except one of my sisters) I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing with my life. What makes it even harder to be close to them is every place I have lived I have found other people to be my family and support. Now that I am here in Texas I have my aunt and uncle and cousins, who I have come to love as my family. They have taken me in and took care of me when I needed a place and I have become very close to them and they have filled the void in my life. The problem is I think the healing process in my life needs to begin with my family, and that is not going to be easy. I remember the exact moment when I made the decision to close my heart to my family and it hurt like hell. There is no other way to put it. I was tired of hurting and after a while the hurt went away and I filled my life with other people to take their places. I guess I am scared to open those wombs again and I am afraid of hurting like that again. When your family can’t love you it is hard to believe that others can.