BEING A MOM

As a mother I often wonder if I am doing this right. I see how other parents are with their children and I want so badly to be a good mother. I often forget that I have only been a mother for a year and a half. I still have a lot to learn. I am hard on myself because I feel that because I am a teacher I should naturally know what to do. I never really had a great example from my own parents so I look around at what looks good and works for others and then try to implement it in my own life and when I see something better that is working well for someone else I try to change so that I can be the best parent I can be.

Today I was reading an article about children that have been adopted at an older age. It was very enlightening.  It really helped explain some things about my son that I did not understand are normal for children who are adopted at an older age. The article was called “Give Them Three Years” by Tami Razvi and Imran Razvi. It explained that children adopted at an older age are not at their developmental age and that as adopted parents we need to allow them to grow into their new life. Any child that has been “in need of a family, has gotten to that point only after experiencing some major trauma in his life.” The article went on to say that we adopted parents have expectations and when we see a 7 year old, or a 9 year old in my case, we expect them to act and respond in a manner that a 7 or 9 year old child should they may act younger and we need to allow them three years. What was interesting to me is the article suggested that these children need to go through an infant stage. First the child is not going to respond with love and gratitude. I remember before he came into my life, the family before me said that he has no attachment to anything and anyone. How true that was, he really didn’t feel connected to anything or anyone. He is getting better. Second, “parents should expect that their will be some things that happen in public in front of both friends and strangers that could be embarrassing because the child looks too old for that type of behavior.” Oh my goodness this happens all of the time. This is actually the hardest thing for me and it was good to hear that it is normal for children that have been adopted at an older age. I really get on my son a lot about his behavior in front of other people. Most times he is great when it is just he and I but you put other people into the mix than it is a whole new story. Sometime it can turn out to be dreadful.  Finally “infant type behaviors need to be allowed.” It is hard for me to allow my son to have infant behaviors. He has all the fears and anxieties of a younger child, in many instances he acts very young. The article said to give him three years and he will grow into his age he just needs to go through this infant stage. I am hoping that is correct. If it is I have another year and a half left. I have seen great changes already.  

I know that my son has been through a lot in his life. There are many things that I don’t even know about. Just moving from family to family has caused much trauma in his life. When life gets hard he wants a new family or he thinks I am going to give him up. I guess I can’t blame him for that, when life got really hard he moved to another family. I remember when my mom could not take care of him any longer he would go back home with my sister and when she couldn’t handle him he would go back to my moms. He jumped back and forth between my mom and my sister and about four years ago my brother and sister-in-law took him and because they had younger children they could not keep him. That is when the family before me got him. The family is an aunt of my sister-in-law. They had 6 other children all older than my son. He struggled there for many different reasons. When they could not handle him any longer I was called and they asked me to take him. I worked with this family and the State of Utah and he was here a week and a half later. My son has some rather large scars right now and those scars “must be healed in order for (him) to grow into a fully functional, healthy adult.” It is not going to happen overnight, nor is it going to happen in a year. It will take time and patience which sometimes I am limited especially when I am run down and tired. The reward in the end will be great if I do not give up, which is not in my nature.

Am I perfect mom? No, not at all, I fall short all of the time. I am trying to do the best I can with everything going on in life. I have been so blessed to have good people to help me be the best I can. Many have given me advice as I have come to them with questions and they have so kindly explained what works for them and how to implement it in my own life. It is not easy, but will it be worth it? Of course it will. Great things come when you take sacrifices to make them happen.