Life!!!!!!!!!!

The last few weeks have been really nice. I have been very busy doing so many wonderful things. Over Thanksgiving break I got my life a little more organized.

 I have finally set up tutoring groups and I have been working hard to tutor my students and I have to say that I think that it is working. I have been tutoring at lunch and after school and during school when I have any free time at all. It has been kind of a reward because I have seen much improvement in my students work and understanding of math. We still have a long way to go but with enough work and dedication on my part and theirs we will be very successful. I really love teaching. I know that last year was a rough year, but it was not the teaching I had a hard time with it was the behavior problems and the fact that I had four classes. It was very difficult to build any sort of relationships with my students because I didn’t have time and there was so many other things going on at school and at home. 

Tonight I am making cookies. I really don’t like baking but once in a while I will find myself baking something (it doesn’t happen very often). A few months ago I made a mini-mouse birthday cake. Oh my, it was very difficult for me. It was more work than I had anticipated. I also wanted it to be perfect because I wanted to prove that I could make something that looked professional. Well when it comes to baking I am NOT a professional, I don’t do enough baking to be very good at it. As for cooking I can really make some yummy things and I really like to cook meal. Elizabeth taught me how to cook some really good food. I still cook but not like I use to. It is hard to cook a three course meal when it is just my son and I. 

Well my son has been a little rascal the last few days. He goes through these phases where he will be really great for a few weeks and then he just has a rough day here and there. Today would be one of those days, we had a new sidewalk laid here where I live and my son felt that he should put his name in the concrete. He told me about it last night and I didn’t think anything of it. So we are walking to the car this morning and I spot his name, he wrote his name alright, he wrote it as large as he possibly could. Now that I think of it, it is kind of funny, but it wasn’t at the moment.  I don't know what he was thinking. After we got back from school I had him go to the and explain what he had done. They ended up having to refinish/redo the sidewalk. Needless to say he is grounded for the next week, and he is going to be doing some choirs around the apartments.

This weekend I have so much going on I think that my head may spin right off my neck. Tomorrow I have a work Christmas party that I am going to for a moment because I committed to bring something. Then I am headed to another Christmas Party in Houston, I committed to bring desert, which is the reason I am backing cookies. I was not going to attempt another mini-mouse cake or any other type of cake at that matter. I will stay there for a bit and then I am going to meet up with some friends I have not seen in a LONG time, and we are going dancing. Real dancing! I don’t like these free style dances, I like east coast/west coast swing type dancing. I have been dancing a few times here in Texas but nothing like I use to do in New York.  I really am not the greatest dancer however I can hold my own and I really can have a ton of fun.  Then Saturday I am helping with a mid-singles Christmas Mixer.  I am really kind of looking forward to seeing how it turns out. I hope that we have a good turn-out. We have worked hard to make it successful. I am kind of excited to meet some new faces I have not really been too involved in single stuff. I really have not been interested in the single scene the last few years. It is very different then YSA and it takes some getting used to, however I will say that I have met some extraordinary people. People that I admire and look up to, it has been a good experience overall. 

I was asked to sing in church for Christmas. I have not actually sung in over 6 years. I sing but not like I use to. I trained with a professional opera trainer for two years and later trained for 6 months to get my voice back to where it once was but life took over and I stopped training and later stopped singing. The reason I stopped singing wasn’t because I stopped training it was because I had a bad experience with a song I sang and now singing in public scares me to death. I sang with “The TROUP” for a year but I really didn’t sing like I could have or like I use to. I try to make excuses but the truth is I am scared to sing in front of people, this is the reason why you will NEVER see me get up and karaoke in front of people. When it comes to music and singing some people can be very critical, I have been on the receiving end of people’s criticisms. I am going to try again I don’t know if I will be any good but at least I am giving it a try. I am afraid that I have lost the ability to actually sing well. I guess we will see how it goes. 

I don’t know what I am doing for Christmas yet. I was thinking of inviting people that didn’t have a place to go. I remember one year when I was living in New York I had all my friends over for Christmas. I tried to make it as traditional as I could. Some spent the night Christmas Eve and others met up the next day for our Christmas meal. It was one of my most memorable Christmases. I remember feeling loved and knowing that I was with people who cared about each other. It was truly a great Christmas. I bought everyone PJ’s,(which is a tradition from my own family) and we spent the day in our PJ’s laughing, having fun and most importantly enjoying each other company and friendship. Everyone here seems to have their family. I wonder who I could have over. I guess I just need to ask. If I don’t have others come over my son and I may just go over to Crystal and Will’s for Christmas. I should probably make a decision soon since Christmas is only a few weeks away. We got our Christmas tree up. My son was so excited about it. It took us about two day to get it up and decorated. Kids help us to remember that Christmas is an exciting time of year. Of course we should never forget the real reason we celebrate Christmas.  

Well cookies are done and I should get some sleep. I have a Math test tomorrow guess we will see if all the tutoring I have been doing has been successful. I am very hopeful. I am also tired which would explain why I have babbled on and on about everything.

Dreams and Hopes

I have been thinking about dreams. Not like the dreams you have at night but the dreams and hopes you have for the future. 

Life has turned out so differently than I ever expected. It is not bad at all, and I am truly happy, it is just different than what my dreams and hopes had been. In some ways I stopped dreaming about what I want and have become grateful for what I have. I know what it is like to work hard for what you have even if it is not exactly what you want and to be grateful for what you DO have because it could be a lot worse.

I think that we live in a world where dreams are shattered every day. Many people are living from day to day hoping that next week they still have a job and are able to provide for their families. People don’t take time to dream anymore because reality comes in and steels their dreams away. 

If I could have one super power it would be the ability to heal broken hearts and shattered dreams. Of course I do not. I can’t tell you how many people I have spoken to who are hurting and longing for something better.  I was visiting with a friend the other day, who is struggling with the tragedy of broken, or rather shattered, dreams because of divorce. I have never been married so I can’t fully comprehend.  As I was listening to my friend I could see the pain in their eyes and I felt that my friend had dreams that had been shattered and broken. Now my friend is trying to make since of their new life. Then there are those who struggle with lost dreams, not through divorce but through bad decisions of others and even themselves. And there are those whose dreams and hopes never came. To my friend and to all those that are struggling with broken dreams, because there are many, stay strong and it will eventually get better. 

I love the conference talk “Sunday Will Come” by Joseph B Wirthlin; it talks about no matter how hard life gets it will get better. When I think of all the loss in the world I also think of the story of Job in the Bible. He was a man that lost all that he had and after a trial of his faith, a very long and difficult trial, he received all that he had lost and more. I like to think that it will be the same with each of us. We may lose quite a bit however if we stay strong we will be blessed with all that we lost and more. I have always felt that Heavenly Father will compensate for all the pain and loss that we endure.

So you ask, what are my dream and hopes? I have many

 

November 25, 2012

I was thinking more on the subject of dreams and hopes. I think that for me I have not stopped dreaming and hoping. My dreams and hopes have just changed for what they once were.

Here is a quote that I came across a few weeks ago that is on the same topic as I have written.

"I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." Henry David Thoreau

Quiet Time

Tonight my son is sick and as he sleeps I thought that I would take this quiet time to write.  I should probably be grading tests, analyzing them and creating warm-ups and tutoring groups to help my students, instead my mind is racing a million miles a minute thinking about everything.  I feel like I am always thinking and analyzing some aspect of my life, whether it is the gospel principles, my callings, being a mom, school, social life or just the relationships I have with other people. The thing however waying most on my mind right now is the state of our country, and if anything were to happen to our country how ill prepared I would be. I really need to get myself in a position where if anything were to happen I will be able to protect my little family.

I have never been very good with words and expressing myself in words, especially when emotions are involved. I am not exactly sure why that is, I am sure it has something to do with my past or some bad experience I had. It is kind of interesting how a bad experience can shape the way you interact with people and how you express yourself.

This week had its disappointments but it had its achievements as well. I have been working so hard with my students and we had a district test and one of my classes did so poorly. Because they did so poorly I have been consumed with trying to figure out what more I can do to make them successful and I have been looking at what I can change so that they can be more successful. In a way it has made me look at the way I am teaching and think of a better way of teaching. I often wonder if it is that way in life. We go through life just doing what we know best and when given a test we don’t achieve as high as we should or we think we should therefore we reevaluate our lives and change something here and something there and do better the next time. I guess that is why we were sent here to earth is to progress and we can’t progress unless we are willing to change and grow.

Thought

Sometimes life is never what we plan. There are times we need to endure hardships to understand the blessing and miracles of life. No matter how difficult something may be, we can always learn something from it. I have countless experiences where things have really not been easy however I have learned far more from those experiences then anything else.

Change of Heart

My heart has changed over the last few weeks. I feel a renewal of self. Something I have not felt in a VERY long time. I feel my heart is whole and that I have been opened up to love and kindness.  I am still getting use to this feeling however I love it. I lost this feeling through hurt that I have caused myself though disobedience and distrust.

The cause of the change of heart could be the combination of conference, prayer, reading my scriptures and finally opening up and trusting a friend. It was more like ripping my heart open and throwing everything I had at my friend. I felt horrible because I felt as though I threw a big mess of emotions and feeling, it was not pretty, I felt a little crazy and I probably sounded a little crazy too. I completely love my friend for allowing me to open my heart up even though it was very uncomfortable for both of us. I will be forever grateful for the ability that my friend has allowed me to trust and feel again. The sad part I didn’t even realize I was keeping so many things in.  

I guess after everything that happened in New York before I moved here I just closed that part of my life and started a new life. I have learned that you cannot do that without having some disconnect.  I loved New York but knew that it was not the place for me. I also knew that if I stayed there I would not have progressed into the person I needed to be and the person I am now. I needed to come to Texas and get my life sorted out.  If I stayed in New York, I know that I would not have been prepared to be a mother. 

Who would have thought that one crazy emotion filled conversation would be the answer? I should have had that conversation a long time ago. Now that I have this feeling of renewal of self back, I can serve and love others in a way that I have not been able to in a VERY long time. The key is to keep this change of heart and become better by loving and serving others.