Change of Heart

My heart has changed over the last few weeks. I feel a renewal of self. Something I have not felt in a VERY long time. I feel my heart is whole and that I have been opened up to love and kindness.  I am still getting use to this feeling however I love it. I lost this feeling through hurt that I have caused myself though disobedience and distrust.

The cause of the change of heart could be the combination of conference, prayer, reading my scriptures and finally opening up and trusting a friend. It was more like ripping my heart open and throwing everything I had at my friend. I felt horrible because I felt as though I threw a big mess of emotions and feeling, it was not pretty, I felt a little crazy and I probably sounded a little crazy too. I completely love my friend for allowing me to open my heart up even though it was very uncomfortable for both of us. I will be forever grateful for the ability that my friend has allowed me to trust and feel again. The sad part I didn’t even realize I was keeping so many things in.  

I guess after everything that happened in New York before I moved here I just closed that part of my life and started a new life. I have learned that you cannot do that without having some disconnect.  I loved New York but knew that it was not the place for me. I also knew that if I stayed there I would not have progressed into the person I needed to be and the person I am now. I needed to come to Texas and get my life sorted out.  If I stayed in New York, I know that I would not have been prepared to be a mother. 

Who would have thought that one crazy emotion filled conversation would be the answer? I should have had that conversation a long time ago. Now that I have this feeling of renewal of self back, I can serve and love others in a way that I have not been able to in a VERY long time. The key is to keep this change of heart and become better by loving and serving others.