Cancer: My Thoughts and Feeling

In August we discovered that I had cancer.

It was hard for me to believe that I could possibly have cancer. I was at the peak of my health, exercising every day and before covid I was going to the gym 4-5 days a week, eating healthy, and at my ideal weight. There were no signs of distress or illness at all. When the results came back I thought they had made a mistake. How could I possibly have cancer?

A couple of things I didn't know about cancer. You can be at the height of your health and you can have cancer. You can be young and active and you can have cancer. Sometimes (in my case) there are no physical signs of cancer, I had no visible lumps, no pain, no fatigue, no sickness at all, yet I have cancer. 

When they told us the result in August, that I had cancer, as I said, I thought they made a mistake, however, they assured me that there was no mistake. After realizing that there was not a mistake and that I really did had cancer and after the seriousness of what I was hearing sunk in, my first thought was "well that sucks?" At that moment there were a lot of different emotions, however, the emotions I felt strongest were disbelief and I was scared. I was scared of how this would affect our family and our lives. At that time I didn't know the severity of my cancer nor did I know what the treatment would be. Having so many unknowns was very, very scary.  

I was in disbelief because the last two years have already been so very difficult with Victor and his issues, and at the moment we were in the middle of going through some pretty horrible things with my husband's ex-wife. We had been praying and fasting for relief and trying to do the right thing and instead of relief, something more, it didn't seem fair. Those first few minutes I thought we were going to burst into tears and our hearts were just going to break, however, we remained calm and collective, it was more of an inner turmoil and shock. "What are we going to do? How is this going to look? How is this going to affect my ability to think clearly and do all the things that I need to do? How are we going to tell the kids when they were already going through so much? My husband and I felt very unsure of the future and maybe a little scared." At the time I didn't think it was possible to add any more trials to our life? How could we, we already had been through so much and at that very moment were going through a lot? When we got home we went straight to our room and we knelt in tearful prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help us understand and to strengthen us to be able to bear this additional trial in our lives. 

Later when I was alone, I let Heavenly Father know how I felt about this added trial. Of course,  Heavenly Father in his kindness and loving way listened to me. After I was finished respectfully telling him how I felt about this and some of the other things we were going through I received this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort and a feeling that this along with everything else will be alright, and that Heavenly Father has something he wants me and our family to learn from this experience. Since then I have not been angry, just humbled by the opportunity to grow and learn. Have I cried about it? Yes! A lot! I have pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, and to help our family to be strong through this and the other things we are going through in our lives. Has my husband cried about it, yes! and I am sure he has personally pleaded with Heavenly Father on my and the kids' behalf for this and everything we have been going through. As a family, as a couple, and as individuals we have had personal and deep feelings and experiences that have strengthened us and comforted us, and drawn us closer together.

I have been open about my treatment and the news or details of what I am going through. I have a harder time with the feelings of what I am going through.  I get asked all the time, how am I feeling or how am I doing and most of the time, almost always, I am feeling strong emotionally and doing just fine however there are those weak moments when I don't know how I am feeling or doing. I may feel several different emotions at the same time that are confusing because some of the emotions I am feeling contradict each other.  For example, I sometimes feel scared and worried but deep down I know that everything is going to be alright. I sometimes feel frustrated and maybe a little angry about the situation, but at the same time, I feel blessed and grateful it isn't any worse than what it is. I feel really healthy and physically strong, yet at the same time, I know that I am not. Sometimes the reactions that I get from others, may at times make me wonder if I should feel more concerned or different. It isn't that I don't feel frustrated at the situation, concerned, worried, or really scared. Those feeling and emotions are there however I am able to calm them with my overwhelming conviction that everything is going to be alright.  

When I ponder and consider the strength and miracles our family has received because of the pure love and kindness of those around me, I am struck with awe and gratitude. I have felt the prayers of others for me and our family. There have been miracles that have come because of those prayers, some so personal and sacred, that I am unable to share without taking away their power and meaning. The kindness, love, and prayers of others have been so powerful and humbling that I don't even know where to begin to express my gratitude because that gratitude reaches beyond words.