Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Here we are again.

I have been doing better. I am not as sick as I have been. I am still taking a breathing treatment once a day and my cough is still quite bad, but I do not have pneumonia any longer and I don’t feel as though my head is going to explode. I have been taking it easy the last few weeks, which has been very nice.

Life has been hard! I have been learning so much about myself and trying to figure things out and hopefully all that will lead to change and healing. Sometimes I just want to cry and let it all out but crying is not easy for me though I have done much of it lately. Making the changes that I need have been much harder for me then I ever imagined. I am supposed to be starting a twelve-step program (Al Anon) and I still have not gotten around to going to any meetings. I keep thinking “how is this going to help me? I don’t deal with alcoholics.” It seems weird to me and very uncomfortable that I need to go but I need to do whatever I can to get the help I need to change. The church has a twelve-step program however the meeting is every Thursday and they meet about an hour from where I live and it really is too far for me on a week day. Maybe I can go during the summer but for now I will try Al Anon here. I am kind of scared to go because then it means that this is real and what if I can’t change it or don’t want to.

I finished reading “Codependent No More” and it was a great book. Any person would gain a lot from reading it even if they were not codependent. Now I am on to a second book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. When I first started reading I didn’t really think that it applied to me now that I am further into the book I see how it does apply to me. I have very good boundaries in my classroom however I do not in my relationships, and that means friendships as well. How can that be? How can I have great and wonderful boundaries in the classroom so much so that I am complimented on it regularly however when it comes to a relationship I have very confusing and fuzzy boundaries? It is so frustrating!!!!!! 

So the book "Boundries" it talked about two different types of people who have boundary issues compliant people and avoidant people and I seem to have a mix of both. However if I had to choose between the two I would say that I am more of an avoidant person then a compliant person. I do comply but not near as much as avoid.

Those people who are compliant (me) “melt” into the demands of other people. There spiritual and emotional “radar” is broken; they have no ability to guard their hearts. (pg 52-53) I am very compliant in relationships I just say yes when I should say no and my boundaries are very fuzzy and indistinct. Those people who are avoidant are unable to ask for help, to recognize one’s own needs, to let others in. Avoidant people withdraw when they are in need; they do not ask for the support of others. For Avoidant people, opening up to people is almost impossible. (pg 54-55) Me, me and me!!!! 


One other thing that I have been thinking a lot about is emotion. My whole life I have always felt responsible for other people’s emotions and many times other people’s emotions effect my emotions. I feel or felt that because they were sad, angry, upset (notice these are all negative emotions) it was somehow because of me. People’s emotions affect me so much because I take responsibility for the emotions they are feeling. Let me tell you what I have discovered and it has been GREAT!!! Everyone is responsible for their own emotions and I don’t have to be responsible for another person’s emotions. What a thought? You mean to tell me that you are responsible for your emotions and I am responsible for my emotions? YES!!! It seems so simple and logical however I have never seen it that way before. What does this new knowledge do for me? It gives me a whole new outlook on life and now I can free myself from other people’s emotions and start feeling my own emotions. I wonder what that is going to feel like because I have spent most of my life wrapped up in, or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions that I don’t know what it is like to feel my own. I think this is going to be a great experience and it is going to be kind of fun to explore and be responsible for my own emotions. I will have to report back, I have a feeling it is going to feel very freeing.. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Change-The Beginning of Something New




Let me tell you a story about me, I was having a rough day a month or so ago, and I was having a pity party and I was telling a friend how I was feeling and I was very negative, mind you I was feeling vulnerable and had not gotten much sleep and I was feeling like a horrible mom, my son had a rough day and I was just struggling. My friend told me that I needed to research codependency. I had never heard of codependency before and if I had I never thought it had anything to do with me. When I found out what codependency was I became very angry with my friend. If my friend was there I would have probably spoke my mind and it would not have been pretty, I would have told my friend all their issues and how dare they tell me what is wrong with me when they themselves are not perfect, because who is perfect, right?

 I have always tried to take the best things out of the worst situations and after cooling down, which took a few days, I did more research and I read some great articles and just finished a great book “Codependent no more” and yes I am codependent. In fact, I don’t know anyone more codependent than myself. So many things about my life and decisions I have made make since now. I feel a freedom, now that I know I can do something about it. It is going to take some time to heal and work through this. However, I want to be healed now so that I can move on and be better than I have been. Healing and changing something you have been your whole life doesn’t change overnight. It takes time and sometimes it takes a lot of time. I have a feeling this is going to take me a LONG time and I am really scared. What if I can’t make the changes that I need to make? What if it is too hard? The thing that helps me is that being codependent is only one part of who I am; I have many other parts of my life that are healthy. This is the beginning of something different and better. Am I still mad at my friend? No, I am grateful. 

I have always taken care of people; it started when I was young in my own home. It started by taking care of my brothers and sisters then progressed to other people until it has been the only thing that I know. I sacrifice myself for others to make them happy even though it does not make me happy or it goes against all I know to be true (the martyr) and then get angry because I don’t get the same in return. It is a vicious cycle that I hope to break. Who would have known that doing something good would turn into something unhealthy and controlling for self and others?

I am going to talk about my family for just a second, some people don’t know I have brothers and sisters and if they do they think they are phantoms in my life because I don’t talk about my parents nor my brothers and sisters very often. I am not close to them and if I said I was it would be a lie. We don’t say much when I do speak with them (except one of my sisters) I feel like I am always saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing with my life. What makes it even harder to be close to them is every place I have lived I have found other people to be my family and support. Now that I am here in Texas I have my aunt and uncle and cousins, who I have come to love as my family. They have taken me in and took care of me when I needed a place and I have become very close to them and they have filled the void in my life. The problem is I think the healing process in my life needs to begin with my family, and that is not going to be easy. I remember the exact moment when I made the decision to close my heart to my family and it hurt like hell. There is no other way to put it. I was tired of hurting and after a while the hurt went away and I filled my life with other people to take their places. I guess I am scared to open those wombs again and I am afraid of hurting like that again. When your family can’t love you it is hard to believe that others can.

Been sick


It has been about a month since I have written and a few months since I have written anything about myself. I have been REALLY sick. When I think I am better, I am back at the doctor because I am sick again. I have the greatest friends though and I work with amazing people. When I was sick the first time my co-workers stepped in and helped take care of my son and brought food and took care of my classes because I was too sick to go. Then my friends came over and made me dinner and hung out with me. Then I stayed up most of the night talking, and not getting the rest I probably should have been getting however I think I needed to talk more. Those same friends seen a need and a week ago they came by and fulfilled that need and I can’t tell them how grateful I am for them. I hope to be half the friend for them that they are for me. 


If you know me well you know I hate doctors so I wait forever before I go and if I would have taken care of things sooner I could have avoided all this, however I have been greatly humbled and I have learned some valuable lessons. First, next time my allergies are taking over and I am not feeling well I will be going to the doctor, not waiting a month and then finding out that it has gotten so bad that I have to be deathly ill for three weeks. I am so tired of being sick. I don’t know how those with chronic illnesses do it. The good thing about being so sick, if I look on the bright side, I have had a lot of time to think and sort through some things. I always seem to have something to work on, don’t we all. I hope to share with you some of the the things I have been thinking about and working through but of course the more private things I will keep for myself and close friends.