I
had a talk on forgiveness today. I have had to do my share of forgiving and
asking for forgiveness in my life. I have come to believe that forgiveness is
not for the person needing forgiving but rather the person doing the forgiving.
In my talk I used to conference talks “Forgiveness” by Gordon B. Hinckley and
“The Healing Power of Forgiveness” by James E. Faust. Both talks I have read
many times and have pondered their content and taken from them some valuable
things. I most love the storied that they share because they are real life
stories in which other people and society are better because of forgiveness.
The first story from 2005 Gordon B. Hinckley tells a story of a woman who has
to forgive, and I quote…
“How would you feel toward a
teenager who decided to toss a 20-pound frozen turkey from a speeding car
headlong into the windshield of the car you were driving? How would you feel
after enduring six hours of surgery using metal plates and other hardware to
piece your face together, and after learning you still face years of therapy
before returning to normal—and that you ought to feel lucky you didn’t die or
suffer permanent brain damage?
“And how would you feel after
learning that your assailant and his buddies had the turkey in the first place
because they had stolen a credit card and gone on a senseless shopping spree,
just for kicks? …
“This is the kind of hideous
crime that propels politicians to office on promises of getting tough on crime.
It’s the kind of thing that prompts legislators to climb all over each other in
a struggle to be the first to introduce a bill that would add enhanced
penalties for the use of frozen fowl in the commission of a crime.
“The New York Times quoted the
district attorney as saying this is the sort of crime for which victims feel no
punishment is harsh enough. ‘Death doesn’t even satisfy them,’ he said.
“Which is what makes what really
happened so unusual. The victim, Victoria Ruvolo, a 44-year-old former manager
of a collections agency, was more interested in salvaging the life of her
19-year-old assailant, Ryan Cushing, than in exacting any sort of revenge. She
pestered prosecutors for information about him, his life, how he was raised,
etc. Then she insisted on offering him a plea deal. Cushing could serve six months
in the county jail and be on probation for 5 years if he pleaded guilty to
second-degree assault.
“Had he been convicted of
first-degree assault—the charge most fitting for the crime—he could have served
25 years in prison, finally thrown back into society as a middle-aged man with
no skills or prospects.
“But this is only half the story.
The rest of it, what happened the day this all played out in court, is the
truly remarkable part.
“According to an account in the
New York Post, Cushing carefully and tentatively made his way to where Ruvolo
sat in the courtroom and tearfully whispered an apology. ‘I’m so sorry for what
I did to you.’
“Ruvolo then stood, and the
victim and her assailant embraced, weeping. She stroked his head and patted his
back as he sobbed, and witnesses, including a Times reporter, heard her say,
‘It’s OK. I just want you to make your life the best it can be.’ According to
accounts, hardened prosecutors, and even reporters, were choking back tears”
(“Forgiveness Has Power to Change Future,” Deseret Morning News, Aug. 21, 2005,
p. AA3).
I
think of myself and wonder could I have the courage and strength to forgive if
something like this had ever happened to me. It would like to think so, however
sometimes we never know how we are going to react until tested. There is surely
something to be said about people that can forgive so readily.
The
second story from 2007, James E Faust tells a story about how the power of
forgiveness can heal, and I quote…
In the beautiful hills of Pennsylvania, a devout group of
Christian people live a simple life without automobiles, electricity, or modern
machinery. They work hard and live quiet, peaceful lives separate from the
world. Most of their food comes from their own farms. The women sew and knit
and weave their clothing, which is modest and plain. They are known as the
Amish people.
A 32-year-old milk truck driver lived with his family in their
Nickel Mines community. He was not Amish, but his pickup route took him to many
Amish dairy farms, where he became known as the quiet milkman. Last October he
suddenly lost all reason and control. In his tormented mind he blamed God for
the death of his first child and some unsubstantiated memories. He stormed into
the Amish school without any provocation, released the boys and adults, and
tied up the 10 girls. He shot the girls, killing five and wounding five. Then
he took his own life.
This shocking violence caused great anguish among the Amish but
no anger. There was hurt but no hate. Their forgiveness was immediate.
Collectively they began to reach out to the milkman’s suffering family. As the
milkman’s family gathered in his home the day after the shootings, an Amish
neighbor came over, wrapped his arms around the father of the dead gunman, and
said, “We will forgive you.” Amish leaders visited the milkman’s
wife and children to extend their sympathy, their forgiveness, their help, and
their love. About half of the mourners at the milkman’s funeral were Amish. In
turn, the Amish invited the milkman’s family to attend the funeral services of
the girls who had been killed. A remarkable peace settled on the Amish as their
faith sustained them during this crisis.
One local resident very eloquently summed up the aftermath of
this tragedy when he said, “We were all speaking the same language, and not
just English, but a language of caring, a language of community, [and] a
language of service. And, yes, a language of forgiveness.” 2 It was an amazing outpouring of
their complete faith in the Lord’s teachings in the Sermon on the Mount: “Do
good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.”
3
The family of the milkman who killed the five girls released the
following statement to the public:
“To our Amish friends, neighbors, and local community:
“Our family wants each of you to know that we are overwhelmed by
the forgiveness, grace, and mercy that you’ve extended to us. Your love for our
family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. The prayers,
flowers, cards, and gifts you’ve given have touched our hearts in a way no
words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our
community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you.
“Please know that our hearts have been broken by all that has
happened. We are filled with sorrow for all of our Amish neighbors whom we have
loved and continue to love. We know that there are many hard days ahead for all
the families who lost loved ones, and so we will continue to put our hope and
trust in the God of all comfort, as we all seek to rebuild our lives.” 4
How could the whole Amish group manifest such an expression of
forgiveness? It was because of their faith in God and trust in His word, which
is part of their inner beings. They see themselves as disciples of Christ and
want to follow His example.
Hearing of this tragedy, many people sent money to the Amish to
pay for the health care of the five surviving girls and for the burial expenses
of the five who were killed. As a further demonstration of their discipleship,
the Amish decided to share some of the money with the widow of the milkman and
her three children because they too were victims of this terrible tragedy.
Forgiveness is not always instantaneous as it was with the Amish.
When innocent children have been molested or killed, most of us do not think
first about forgiveness. Our natural response is anger. We may even feel
justified in wanting to “get even” with anyone who inflicts injury on us or our
family.
Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization,
has provided an excellent definition of forgiveness as it applies to human
relationships:
“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy
once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed
wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless
capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” 5
I
grew up in very difficult circumstances in which I was left wounded and hurt.
It took me years to be able to let go and forgive those wrong doing. All the
while I was hurting and yearning to be healed from pains from the past. The
freedom from this hurt and pain came through forgiveness and letting go. True
forgiveness can truly heal a person. Forgiveness is truly a miracle that each
of us have the ability to give to ourselves and those that need our
forgiveness.
