Gratitude Challenge: Day 4 of 7

 Gratitude Challenge: Day 4 of 7

I am grateful for the healing power and the power to be forgiven for imperfections, which comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

Gratitude Challenge: Day 3 of 7

 I didn’t really grow up in the best of homes. When I was seventeen I went into a foster home and soon after moved out on my own. As a seventeen year or even a twenty-three-year-old I didn’t really know what the world was about. As I was on my journey to where I am now, there have been so many people who encouraged me and helped me. These friends who have adopted me into their families can be found across the states. From Utah, North Carolina to New York to Texas, and now Washington. I am grateful for those people who saw a young girl in need of a friend, a home, and a family that took me in and taught me the importance of education and hard work. That had charity and compassion on me. I sometimes want to shout on the rooftops we did it.  I have a special place in my heart for so many people. Even though I have not spoken to some for a long time or some of those have passed onto the next life, I will always be grateful. I don’t ever want to forget where I came from and how I got to where I am now. 

Gratitude Challenge: Day 2

I am grateful for Jake. Family is important to Jake and loves me and the kids more than words can express. He encourages me to be better and lets me be me.

 He supports me in some of my crazy ideas, such as but not limited to, running for school board-OH BOY-that was an adventure, encouraging me to volunteer, having thanksgiving dinner a week earlier JUST SO WE CAN celebrate it with the kids, working with me to get my WA teaching certificate JUST IN CASE I want to go back into the classroom, to even discussing the idea of going back to school to finish my master degree. 

He not only supports me but the kids. Often times I find him in Lydia’s room spending time with her as she is drawing, while quietly slipping into sleep, or taking time to jam with Lydia and encourages her to be the best she can be no matter what she is doing, to playing video games or wrestling on the floor with Leo because the other kids are doing their own things. I often see him sitting beside Toby and/or August while they are frustrated with their school work and teaching them and encouraging them.  To listening to August talk about Magic or his latest book he just read and all the many fun facts he has learned, to playing legos with Toby and making silly lego creations just to make him smile and laugh. I couldn’t have asked for a better man. He makes me and our family a priority. 

 He is truly my best friend and as time goes on I find that we are getting even closer. I am very grateful to him and all he does for me and our family. 

Gratitude Challenge: Day 1

This week I have been challenged along with many other people to share what we are most grateful for.  As I was thinking about this so many good things and moments flooded into my mind.  The things I share through the week are in no particular order of importance. 

Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mom. It along with marriage, to someone I can happily spend my life with, has been my greatest desire. I have not been able to have children of my own, which has been hard, however in God's own way he has allowed me to be a mother and a mother figure. Even though it has not been in the traditional way, I am grateful to be mother figure and have an influence in children’s lives. 

There has been no greater honor than to have an influence in a child’s life, and I hope that I will always do my best to be a loving, kind and positive influence to all the children in my life. I am so very grateful to be a mother figure to the to my husbands kids. I love, care and am concerned about them as a mother would be. I am grateful for my adopted son, even though things didn’t turn out the way I imagined for him. I am still grateful for the chance to have helped him along his journey in life. 

Cancer: My Thoughts and Feeling

In August we discovered that I had cancer.

It was hard for me to believe that I could possibly have cancer. I was at the peak of my health, exercising every day and before covid I was going to the gym 4-5 days a week, eating healthy, and at my ideal weight. There were no signs of distress or illness at all. When the results came back I thought they had made a mistake. How could I possibly have cancer?

A couple of things I didn't know about cancer. You can be at the height of your health and you can have cancer. You can be young and active and you can have cancer. Sometimes (in my case) there are no physical signs of cancer, I had no visible lumps, no pain, no fatigue, no sickness at all, yet I have cancer. 

When they told us the result in August, that I had cancer, as I said, I thought they made a mistake, however, they assured me that there was no mistake. After realizing that there was not a mistake and that I really did had cancer and after the seriousness of what I was hearing sunk in, my first thought was "well that sucks?" At that moment there were a lot of different emotions, however, the emotions I felt strongest were disbelief and I was scared. I was scared of how this would affect our family and our lives. At that time I didn't know the severity of my cancer nor did I know what the treatment would be. Having so many unknowns was very, very scary.  

I was in disbelief because the last two years have already been so very difficult with Victor and his issues, and at the moment we were in the middle of going through some pretty horrible things with my husband's ex-wife. We had been praying and fasting for relief and trying to do the right thing and instead of relief, something more, it didn't seem fair. Those first few minutes I thought we were going to burst into tears and our hearts were just going to break, however, we remained calm and collective, it was more of an inner turmoil and shock. "What are we going to do? How is this going to look? How is this going to affect my ability to think clearly and do all the things that I need to do? How are we going to tell the kids when they were already going through so much? My husband and I felt very unsure of the future and maybe a little scared." At the time I didn't think it was possible to add any more trials to our life? How could we, we already had been through so much and at that very moment were going through a lot? When we got home we went straight to our room and we knelt in tearful prayer and asked Heavenly Father to help us understand and to strengthen us to be able to bear this additional trial in our lives. 

Later when I was alone, I let Heavenly Father know how I felt about this added trial. Of course,  Heavenly Father in his kindness and loving way listened to me. After I was finished respectfully telling him how I felt about this and some of the other things we were going through I received this overwhelming sense of peace and comfort and a feeling that this along with everything else will be alright, and that Heavenly Father has something he wants me and our family to learn from this experience. Since then I have not been angry, just humbled by the opportunity to grow and learn. Have I cried about it? Yes! A lot! I have pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, and to help our family to be strong through this and the other things we are going through in our lives. Has my husband cried about it, yes! and I am sure he has personally pleaded with Heavenly Father on my and the kids' behalf for this and everything we have been going through. As a family, as a couple, and as individuals we have had personal and deep feelings and experiences that have strengthened us and comforted us, and drawn us closer together.

I have been open about my treatment and the news or details of what I am going through. I have a harder time with the feelings of what I am going through.  I get asked all the time, how am I feeling or how am I doing and most of the time, almost always, I am feeling strong emotionally and doing just fine however there are those weak moments when I don't know how I am feeling or doing. I may feel several different emotions at the same time that are confusing because some of the emotions I am feeling contradict each other.  For example, I sometimes feel scared and worried but deep down I know that everything is going to be alright. I sometimes feel frustrated and maybe a little angry about the situation, but at the same time, I feel blessed and grateful it isn't any worse than what it is. I feel really healthy and physically strong, yet at the same time, I know that I am not. Sometimes the reactions that I get from others, may at times make me wonder if I should feel more concerned or different. It isn't that I don't feel frustrated at the situation, concerned, worried, or really scared. Those feeling and emotions are there however I am able to calm them with my overwhelming conviction that everything is going to be alright.  

When I ponder and consider the strength and miracles our family has received because of the pure love and kindness of those around me, I am struck with awe and gratitude. I have felt the prayers of others for me and our family. There have been miracles that have come because of those prayers, some so personal and sacred, that I am unable to share without taking away their power and meaning. The kindness, love, and prayers of others have been so powerful and humbling that I don't even know where to begin to express my gratitude because that gratitude reaches beyond words. 

Cancer: The Boring Details

My last post was more of my feelings. This is more of a news report...

This here is what has been going on.

At the end of April I had to do a routine MRI. In that MRI was spotted two new growths. The doctors wanted me to have them biopsied. I wasn’t in any hurry because I honestly and truly thought it was nothing. In fact I asked the doctor “do I have to do a biopsy every time a new growth appears?” To which the doctor replied, “yes!” I reluctantly got a biopsy. 

In August I got the results back from the biopsy and to my disbelief,  I discovered I had two cancerous tumors.  Shortly after finding out I met with team of professionals who went over my results with me and discussed the different treatments. They said I would have to have surgery to remove the tumors and the tissue around the tumors. They also said I would need radiation. As for chemo, they needed to do some more tests to determine if I needed Chemo. I had surgery , shortly after, along with the tumors and tissue they wanted to take some lymph nodes out to insure that the cancer had not spread. In this surgery there were some complications and they were unable to get all the cancer. so I had to have a second surgery which was last week. In this last surgery they were able to get all the cancer and now I am ready to move onto the next stage of my treatment. 

After the first surgery my lymph nodes and tissue cells/DNA that they collected were tested. My lymph nodes came back negative for cancer, which means the cancer has not spread, which is a blessing. The tissue cells/DNA around the cancer came back undecided. I had to wait for my insurance to accept further specialized testing, which they did. Those test results came back a few weeks ago and my cancer cell count was low enough and my DNA came back non-cancerous, which means I do not have to have Chemo, another miracle. 

As I said above I had a second surgery a week ago and I am recovering nicely. I have a few more weeks before I start radiation. I am not sure how radiation will affect my body but I have high hopes that it will have little to no effect. Some of the side effects are soreness of the area being treated and fatigue. Because of were the cancer is I have an added risk of lung and heart damage from radiation. The radiologist will of course do his very best to protect them. 

After radiation, I will need to be on specialized medication for 10 years to help prevent the growth of  more cancer. I do not like the idea of having to be on medication however I need to do what needs to be done to protect myself from any further cancer growth. O will be working closely with my oncologist to make sure that the medication doesn’t make me too sick. I am not sure of the effects of that medication, I am a little nervous about it. I also plan to visit with a natural pathologist in hopes to find a more natural and healthy way to prevent the grown of the cancer. After all that I should be cancer-free... 

Over all, I have been extremely blessed that this is not as bad as it could have been. I have a great team of doctors working on my behalf. We found the cancer early and it didn’t have time to spread and become more aggressive. 

It has been a long time...

 It has been some time since I have written. I fear it has been over 4 years. These last 4 years have been filled with so many miracles and so many blessings along with challenges that have helped me to grow. 

I haven't blogged in a long time for several reasons but the main reason is that I need to be very cautious about what I share with the world or with others. I have learned that anything you say or do can be twisted and used against you. 

Small and Simple Things

I think she is caught

between

who she is

and

who she wants to be

I saw this quote today and it got me thinking, "I don't really want to be caught between who I am and who I want to be." I know who I want to be and I want to be someone great; not great as the world would see great. I have never really cared much about worldly things, probably because I have never really had a lot of worldly things in my life. What matters to me is honesty strength (endures hardships and trials well), kind, loving, emotionally stable, dependable, and fair. The question is, how do we become who we want to become?